New Year’s Game to bring in the New Year!!!!!!!!!!

New Year's Eve - a time for closure as well as dreaming.

For the last few years, just before the clock strikes 12:00 pm, I play an easy but rewarding little game that I’ve come to call, the New Year’s Game (I like names that say what they are). It’s the perfect way to wrap up the past year and bring in the new.
You can play with your partner, a friend, your immediate family, or even at a party (if people work in small groups). The New Year’s Game is an intimate and fun experience for all who play!

 What is the New Year’s Game?
Well, it involves reflection of the past year as well as prediction for the future. BUT with no strings or project plans attached to it!
I mean, what’s more fun than reviewing what makes you great and at the same time dreaming up what you’re going to achieve next!

 Here’s How You Play…
Buy yourself a little notebook (you’ll have this book for years to come and each year you’ll fill in 2-4 pages, so make sure it’s pretty and durable)
Just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, you and your partner/family/friend chat about and write down all the important things that you achieved in the year. Be sure to list something from each area of your life.
After midnight, once the New Year has rolled in, dream up and write down all the important things you’d like to achieve in the New Year.
That’s it. Keep the book in a safe place till next year when you can open it again and see how you did. If you do this every year, pretty soon you’ll have an awesome souvenir from your life.

Get Your Dreams Out in the Open.
The point of the game is not to win or even to lose to everything on the list. The point is the discussion, to have fun and to dream big. The act of having closure with the past and putting your new dreams out there is a huge step.

The universe is listening.

The last post for this year and Career Oracle wishes its readers a very happy and prosperous new year!!!!!! Let us all learn to be a a little more empathetic to each other in 2014! Discrimination: Coping With Discrimination

Purpose of activity: To understand what it feels like to be left out from a group.

To be aware of people or groups who are left out in society.

Lifeskills: Critical thinking & Empathy.

Materials: Sets of stickers in three colours – or bits of coloured paper and pins. There should be enough of each colour for one third of the children in the group.

Steps:

1.            Tell the children that in this game, they will greet everyone differently according to the colour of the sticker placed on their shirt at the back (or a sticker on their forehead!).

2.            Each child has one of three colour stickers placed on the back of their shirt (or forehead). They don’t know which colour they have. They must not tell each other what colour they have pr it will spoil the game!

3.            Tell the children that they can move around the room and greet each other in the following way:

Green sticker - greet this person as if they are very important to you and who you haven't seen for a long time. You are VERY happy to see them and greet them warmly.

Yellow sticker - greet this person as if they are someone you pass everyday. You greet them but it is not a big greeting.

Red sticker - this is someone you do not want to see or greet. Try to avoid them but if you must greet them, do so coldly and try to get away quickly.

4.            Children move around the room and make their greetings for 5-10 mins.

5.            Now the children can look at their sticker and form groups according to their colour. The groups discuss what happened in the activity and what it felt like.

6.            Mix the groups so that there are some of each colour in each group. These groups discuss:

What did it feel like to have the red, yellow or green stickers?

Are there any people in society whom society does not like or leave out? (For example, people whose skin is a different colour, people who have a disability, people who have HIV, women, people who are homosexual, people of a different religion)?  Why?

How do you think those people feel when they are left out? How can we help make those people feel more included?

7.            Each group presents their key points.

How to Develop Leadership Skills Within You!

The leader inside you often needs some encouragement and support from your side to show-up itself. Many people take-up personality development or similar such courses and try to enhance the leadership skills within.

Let us take on certain issues and fathom how a leader should tackle them:

1. Handling Disagreements - Never show your aggression when there is a conflict, either between two subordinates or between you and others. Just remember it is a simple difference of opinions. It can always be solved if tackled discreetly. And that is exactly what a leader does, he never loses his temper rather helps other stay in control.

2. Helping Others Achieve - It’s not solely your accomplishments that count. As a leader you have a whole team to progress along with. Therefore you have to encourage each teammate and even support them in working on their problems. When you hit the road for the first time on your cycle, there were vehicles overtaking from one side and approaching from the together. What did you do then? In fact you encouraged and assured yourself, that you have the ability to do it. The same formula has to be applied every time, but for your colleagues now.

3. Problem Solving Attitude - Are you able to provide solutions or do you end up getting tensed and panicking, when confronted with issues? Well! It is not entirely in your hands to prevent going into hysteria. Many of us do, but your talent lies in overcoming that stage as soon as you can and support others in finding the key to get out of the trouble.

4. Be A Proficient Communicator - This is indeed the most crucial role that a leader has to play. Let’s take one more situation from the above instances: When you go to a store to buy something, are you able to explain clearly and specifically what your requirements are, to the keeper? If you have to clarify things to him again, then you certainly need to work on your communication skills. Similarly, your words should not be misinterpreted nor should you sound authoritative. Be diplomatic and suave, it is the best strategy but put your foot down whenever the need arises.

As a leader earning respect is important but that should come because of your talent and influence, not with command and domination.

Behaviour which Hurts, Helping to Resolve a Conflict

This is a single activity session plan.

Purpose of activity: To explore how to help as a go-between in a conflict.

Life skills: problem-solving, creative thinking, empathy

Steps:

1.            Remind the participants of the discussions they have had in Activities 43 and 44. Explain that sometimes it is hard to sort out conflict or arguments, for example when:

 All people in the argument think they are right and will not back down

If one side is not telling the truth, if one or other or both are VERY angry

When this is the case, someone may be needed to act as a go-between: this is someone who negotiates between people in an argument.

2.            Ask participants to give examples of when this has happened. Discuss who helped and how - teachers? Friends? Relatives? Colleagues?

3.            Divide participants into groups of three or four and ask them to do a role-play either around a situation known to them or give them an example. In this role-play, the problem is not resolved so another person is called in to help. The groups have to decide who this person is.

4.            Participants perform the role-plays and after each, the whole group comments on how this extra person helped solve the argument (for example by calming everyone down, by suggesting a compromise or an alternative that no-one had thought of.)

Final discussion: How can a go-between help sort out an argument. Is it good to be a go-between? Why / why not?  Have you ever been a go-between?

Behaviour that Hurts, What Happens to Us When We Get Angry? Avtivity!!!!!! Happy Diwali!!!!!

Purpose of activity: To become aware of our physical reactions when we get angry and how anger might be controlled.

Life skills: problem-solving, creative thinking

Steps

1.            In pairs, ask the children select one idea from the list they made: What makes me get angry? In pairs, children act out one of these situations.

2.            In the whole group, ask the children to say what happens to their bodies when they get angry (these responses are different for everybody and in different situations). Some of them can be:

shouting

head pulses

stomach aches

clenching the fists

frown

face turns red

crying

feeling scared

3.            In the whole group ask children to say what people might do when they angry: hit someone-     throw something-                shout sounds-   shout insults (which they may later regret)

4.            In pairs, the children make two short role-plays from one of the situations identified in the Activity. In the first role-play, shows how things quickly go from bad to worse when someone gets angry. The second shows how the person controlled their anger.

For example by:

walking away

reasoning

ignoring

getting someone else to help

5.            The pairs perform their plays. After each, the whole group can comment on how the anger was controlled.

Final discussion: In an argument, is one person always more to blame than the other? Can you do something about your anger in the same way each time? 

Third and Final Installment on Conflict Management!!!!!!!!

The Conflict-Triangle

Developing our understanding of conflict further from the “Iceberg-Model”, one can draw a triangle, where all aspects playing a role in a conflict fit in: Behaviour statements, offences, insults, attacks, etc. visible I n v i s i b l e

                                                                Behaviour - statements, offences, insults, attacks, etc.

         

Attitude - prejudices, believes, perceptions, feelings                                        Context - political, cultural, economical, historical background

               

This ABC (Attitude-Behaviour-Context) – Conflict Triangle was first developed by Prof. Johan Galtung and provides an excellent basic concept for the analysis of even very complex conflict situations:

A First, there are the Attitudes (A) of the conflicting parties, which tend to become more defensive or even hostile as the conflict escalates. In order to finally reach settlement of the conflict, the parties must first become aware of their attitudes and perceptions towards each other.

B Attitude in conflict situations not only influences one’s own Behaviour (B), but is very much affected by the Behaviour of others. Insults or provocations make it more difficult to see the mutual benefit of ending a conflict. Therefore it is essential to find ways of tackling the negative behaviour in order to defuse the situation.

C Finally, we need to consider the Context (C) within which the conflict is being waged. Context is the ‘objective’ reality to which the conflict relates and the environment in which it takes place. If we ignore the influence of the context, all changes in attitudes and behaviour will be in vain. Various factors in the context can either fuel or block a positive and transformative development of a conflict.

Introduction to Mediation

Three Basic Principles:

1) Conflicting parties are the ones to solve their own conflicts! Mediator helps through the process!

2) Conflicting parties attack problem not persons! Mediator guides to respectful behaviour!

3) Conflicting parties decide on contents and agreement! Mediator provides constructive framework and continuous support!

Mediation – Four Phases

Introduction Phase: In the welcoming and during the introduction, the parties are introduced to one another and the mediation process is explained. Here the mediators create a friendly and constructive atmosphere. They attune to the parties, clarify ground rules and general regulations, and allow for questions.

CHARACTERISTICS	POSSIBLE QUESTIONS
Phase I: Defining the conflict
Identify those directly and those indirectly involved. Identify context, e.g. social	What happened? What did you experience? Where do you see the problems? What is the context of the conflict?
Phase II: Background, Barriers, Emotions
Description of difficulties Expression of feelings	How do you feel? Which negative experiences did you have? What did the conflict do to you? Which feelings came up? Did you have positive experiences?
Phase III: Create Options / Best possible outcome?
Encourage visions and dreams Generate wishes and options Envision a positive future	What is going to happen now? What do you wish for now? What would be the most suitable solution? What kind of relationship do you envisage for the future?
Phase IV: Agreement Stage
Work on priorities Develop course of action Envision a positive future	What can you do in reality? What do you expect from the other? What can you put into practice? (realistic) What are you both prepared to do? How will you do it and who will do what?
Final Phase: Follow-up & Implementation
Days, weeks or months later…	How did it work out? What was good? What improvements are still necessary?

Some Ground Rules for a Mediation Process:

1.       No offences or insults

2.       Clarify Issue of Confidentiality

3.       Parties agree to respect each other

4.       Treat each others’ emotions with respect

5.       Try to listen (even) without (inner) judgment

6.       No interruptions when the other party is speaking

7.       Parties speak only for themselves, if possible using I-messages.

8.       Everybody takes full responsibility of his/her own words & actions!

Ethics for Mediators:

o Respect for individuals and their biography. Consider their own speed of learning and that their individual learning steps will be different from yours. Acknowledge and deal with parties’ different cultures, religions, genders, traditions, values, education etc.

o Consciousness of own role in intervention into conflict. What gives me the right or obligation to mediate? Is it an institutional, moral, family, hierarchical, professional, competence etc. position? Did the parties or someone else choose you as mediator?

Checklist:

Before you bring the parties together, have preparatory meetings with the individual parties, where you:

• Explain mediation process

• Explain possible benefits of mediation

• Explore initial unrealistic positions/expectations and sensitive issues

Set date & time for the mediation meeting, and invite conflicting parties, according to the correct legal procedures!

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing is a very important tool you can use, especially as a mediator. It means to restate what another person has said, in your own words, with emphasis on what is said ‘between the lines’, This way you can show the other party that you connect, or understand the other person’s feelings.

Paraphrasing is a powerful tool:

1.       For showing that you understand the other person or party

2.       For moving the conversation to deeper levels: Paraphrasing often brings more reflective responses from the other party.

3.       For slowing down the conversation between parties if needed

4.       For speeding up the process if needed, by making long and complicated sentences comprehensible for yourself and others.

5.       It can defuse defensive or insulting statements while retaining the facts.

How to paraphrase:

1.       Focus on the speaker: “You felt…” , “You’re saying…”, “You believe…” NOT: “I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been in situations like that myself.”

2.       A paraphrase can have three components:

a)         Restate fact: “Your wife locked you out of the house.”

b)         Reflect feelings: “(And) you feel discouraged about things getting any better.”

c)          Reflect intention: “(But) you really like to sort things out with her.”

3.       A paraphrase focuses on what was really said and contains no judgement or evaluation, but describes empathically.  “So you believe very strongly that…”, “You were very unhappy when…”, “You felt quite angry with your neighbour in that situation…”, “The way you see it…”, “If I’m understanding you correctly, you…”, NOT: “What you are trying to say, is…”

There are two critical qualities of an emotion or feeling:

o What feeling is it ?

o How intense is this feeling ?

4.       Act like a mirror not a parrot! Paraphrase reflects the meaning of the speaker’s words but does not merely parrot the speaker, e.g.:

Speaker: “I resent it deeply when I found out they had gone behind my back to the boss. Why can’t they come and talk with me, and give me a chance to sort things out with them?”

Paraphrase: “You were quite hurt that they didn’t come directly to you to resolve things.”

NOT: “You resented it deeply that they went behind your back to the boss. You wish they had given you a chance to sort things out with them.”

5.       A paraphrase should always be shorter than the speaker’s own statement!

Conflict Management and Dealing with Emotions.

Escalation of Conflict – Nine Stages

We, as human-beings have a special relationship to the law of gravity. When something seems difficult we feel heavy and it literally pulls us to the ground. The uninterrupted escalation of a conflict can pull us down as into quicksand, and if there is no turning point, we will end up in the abyss. At every stage, the dynamic of a conflict can escalate further when there is no conscious caucusing or moment of awareness and reflection.

Once you recognize the characteristics of the different stages of a conflict, you are able to act: You can either prevent the conflict from escalating even further or you can consciously let the conflict escalate further. Sometimes the latter is useful to make a conflict more visible to stakeholders and the social environment.

Once you have identified the stage a conflict is in, you can use this opportunity to find constructive solutions on your own, or you see that it is necessary to ask an outsider for assistance in finding a solution. Sometimes problems are just too big to be dealt with alone.

Always ask yourself: “Do I have a problem or does the problem have me?”

The Nine Stages of Conflict Escalation were developed in the 1980s by Austrian Professor Friedrich Glasl and in detail described in his book: “Conflict Management - A Handbook for Executives and counselors”, Germany, 2002.

Conflict Intervention Strategies

1)      Negotiation: Parties meet (usually without the help of 3rd party) to resolve differences.

2)      Facilitation: Neutral or professional 3rd party helps to improve communication between parties, usually in a meeting.

3)    Conciliation: 3rd party acts as “go-between” for parties to meet and resolve differences or disputes.

4)      Mediation: Neutral 3rd party helps parties to resolve differences themselves, improving relationship between parties.

5)    Arbitration: Neutral 3rd party hears both points of view and then imposes a decision.

6)      Adjudication / Litigation: Judge/magistrate imposes decision after hearing legal argument from both sides according to complex legal procedures.

7)      Force: Power or violence is used in a dominant manner to impose a decision or to force a ‘solution’.

Dealing with Emotions & Anger

In every conflict between human beings, our emotions play a critic role, either consciously or unconsciously. Especially anger can be very disturbing, as it can hinder us to enter dialogue and eventually resolve the conflict that we are having. Any conflict can be compared to an iceberg…….nearly 90% lies invisibly under the surface.

In most cases it is our behaviour and our statements and positions that are visible to all the others.

Invisible aspects of a conflict are the parties’ individual or collective backgrounds, attitudes, expectations, dreams, wishes, hurts, fears, needs, feelings, emotions, hidden plans and strategies.

The following texts may help to understand and deal with emotions constructively:

Emotions should not be judged or repressed!

Emotions are a vital part of you as a human being, and they need to be respected, accepted and expressed. You can look upon your emotions as your children, who need your attention and respect, and your guidance.

Emotions are your children!

The parallels between ‘being emotional’ and ‘being as a child’ are striking, as there is an impressive resemblance between the way you deal with your own emotions and the way you deal with (real) children. A child is honest and spontaneous in his emotions, and he does not hide or repress them until adults encourage him to do so. The fact that children spontaneously express their emotions does, however, not mean that the child experiences his emotions in a balanced way. Everyone knows that a child can be carried away by his emotions (rage, fear or sadness) and is often unable to put a stop to it. In such a situation, the child can almost drown in his emotions and that makes him unbalanced, i.e. out-of-centre. An emotion can best be viewed as an energy that comes to you for healing. Therefore, it is important to not be completely swept away by the emotion, but to remain able to look at it from a neutral stance. It is important to stay conscious.

One might put it like this:

You should not repress an emotion, but you should not drown in it either. For when you drown in it, when you identify with it completely, the child in you becomes a tyrant that will lead you astray!

The most important thing you can do with an emotion is to allow it in, to feel all aspects of it, while not losing your consciousness. Take for instance anger. You can invite anger to be fully present, experiencing it in your body at several places, while you are at the same time neutrally observing it. Such a type of conscious behaviour is healing. What happens in this instance is that you embrace the emotion, which is essentially a form of misunderstanding, with understanding.

Dealing with Emotions - Example:

Your daughter has bumped her knee on the table and it really hurts. She is upset, screaming with pain, and she kicks the table for she is angry with it. She considers the table to be the source of her pain.

Emotional guidance at this moment means that the parent first helps the child name her experience. “You are angry, aren’t you – you are in pain, right?” Naming it is essential. You transfer the root of the problem from the table to the child herself. It’s not in the table, it is you who are hurt, and it is you who is angry. And yes, I understand your emotion!

The parent embraces the emotion of the child with understanding, with love. The moment the child feels understood and recognized, her anger will gradually fade away. The physical pain may still be present. But her resistance to the pain, the anger around it, can dissolve. The child reads compassion and understanding in your eyes, and this relaxes and soothes her emotions. The table, the cause of the emotions, is not relevant anymore.

In embracing an emotion with understanding and compassion, you shift the focus of the child’s attention from outside to inside, and you teach the child to take responsibility for the emotion. You are showing her that her reaction to an outside trigger is not a given, but that it is a matter of choice. You can choose misunderstanding or understanding. You can choose to fight or to accept. You can choose.

Again Happy Vijayadashmi and more coming up shortly.

Dussehra - Good Vs Evil - Conflict Management and its Understanding

“Violence is not an action, but a motivation or an attitude itself. Sometimes a smile can be very violent.” XIV. Dalai Lama.

What is Conflict? 
Conflict, like change, will always occur given the dynamics of human interactions. It will occur between family members, workers, colleagues, supervisors, boards of management in our work or play environments, between organizations and within organizations. Why is this? Because we all have different interests, goals, perceptions, viewpoints, values and experiences. 
The paradox of conflict is that it is both the force that can tear relationships apart and the force that binds them together, meaning that they can be either healthy (constructive) or unhealthy (destructive). This dual nature of conflict makes it an important concept to study and understand.
It is normal for people to live and work well together to have conflicts from time to time. We disagree with each other because we each see the world differently, and we have different ideas about what we want and how to do things. Our individual and collective backgrounds and experiences, e.g. in cultural, spiritual, political and economical aspects, are different. Each and every one of us has a very different and unique personality.


As human beings we don’t have a choice about whether conflict will happen in our lives……but we do have a choice about how we will deal with it!!!


Five Basic Styles in Conflict Situations 
Giving In / Accommodating - LOSE / WIN - “I satisfy my needs at your expense.”
Competition - WIN / LOSE -“I satisfy your needs at my expense.” 
Compromise - BOTH WIN A BIT / BOTH LOSE A BIT – “I give up some of my needs to satisfy you and you give up some of your needs to satisfy me.”
Avoidance - LOSE / LOSE - “Neither you nor I satisfy our needs.”
Co-operation - WIN / WIN - “We discover new and creative ways to satisfy both of our very important needs.”


Different Behaviours in Conflict Handling:
Avoidance - Party A does not value either his/her own or Party B’s interests and needs very highly, and/or denies that there is a conflict.
Giving in / Accommodate - Party A does not value his/her own ideas and interests very highly, but places a high value on those of Party B (or the common goal).
Competition - Party A places a very high value on his/her own opinions and desires, and very little on those of Party B.
Compromise - The basic premise is that the parties differences cannot be reconciled and must therefore be traded off.
Co-operation - Full value is placed on both parties’ interests, views and desires. Both parties appreciate each both and strive for consensus, i.e. agreement on the chosen course of action. In this way both parties feel satisfied, because their needs are met and the relationship is strengthened.
Some useful Definitions 
Conflict - An issue between two or more parties who have (or think they have) incompatible goals or ideas. Conflicts may involve deep-rooted moral or value differences, high-stakes distributional questions, or can be about who dominates whom. 
Dispute - Short-term disagreements that are visible on the surface and relatively easy to resolve, because they involve interests that are negotiable. Disputes often exist within a larger, longer and more deep-rooted conflict. 
Conflict Prevention - To prevent a conflict from escalating violently or to take action before a violent outbreak of a conflict emerges. 
Conflict Settlement - The imposition of a settlement by a third party, for example through a Judge or an Arbitrator.
Conflict Management - To regulate a conflict and to reduce its negative effects.
Conflict Resolution - To address the underlying issues of a conflict and to focus on the relationship and communication between the parties.
Conflict Transformation - To overcome the root and structural causes of conflict and to strengthen conflict solving capacities in individuals, communities and society.

Coming up more on the Conflict management and resolution! Happy Dussehra!!!!!

Tips for Self Motivation

Motivation is a psychological feature that arouses an organism to act towards a desired goal and elicits, controls, and sustains certain goal-directed behaviors. It can be considered a driving force; a psychological one that compels or reinforces an action toward a desired goal. For example, hunger is a motivation that elicits a desire to eat. Motivation is the purpose or psychological cause of an action.

Motivation has been shown to have roots in physiological, behavioral, cognitive, and social areas. Motivation may be rooted in a basic impulse to optimize well-being, minimize physical pain and maximize pleasure. It can also originate from specific physical needs such as eating, sleeping or resting, and sex.

Motivation is an inner drive to behave or act in a certain manner. "It's the difference between waking up before dawn to pound the pavement and lazing around the house all day.” These inner conditions such as wishes, desires, goals, activate to move in a particular direction in behavior.

Reasons We Lose Motivation:

There are 3 primary reasons we lose motivation.

·         Lack of confidence – If you don’t believe you can succeed, what’s the point in trying?

·         Lack of focus – If you don’t know what you want, do you really want anything?

·         Lack of direction – If you don’t know what to do, how can you be motivated to do it?

So here are a number of self motivation tips.

1. Follow your Dreams: Choose an activity in which you are interested and you value as being worthy. When you follow your passion your energy will be joyfully focused on the task at hand. You will reach peak performances in activities that you enjoy doing.

2. Seek out new hobbies: Continuously exploring new activities will demand stretching out your capabilities and learning of new skills. You will have lifetime enjoyment and vitality.

3. It is further noted that activities that challenge our competencies support motivation. However, the challenge has to be perceived as reachable. Too difficult challenges can kill the enthusiasm. Exceptionally, for some people the bigger the challenge, the more motivated they are. Find out for yourself as to where you belong.

4. Seek out environments where you have support and move away from environments that do not support you. When you set your own goals, direction, pace and evaluation, you are more creative and engaged. This enhances your performance and builds your self-esteem. Take control of your time.

The last of these self motivation tips is...

5. Faith in life: Self motivation also comes from a person’s perception, meaning whether a person has faith in life or sees life as being unfair, difficult or distorted. A person who believes in the positive outcome by abiding to a certain number of rules will be self-motivated. A person, who cannot make the relationship between his/her own behavior and the outcomes, will not be self motivated. You can choose to be either optimistic or a pessimist. At the end of the day it is your choice. Again I would like to emphasize on taking control of all the situations in your life.

Happy Holiday!!!!!

POLLYANNA PRINCIPLE AND A MEMORY TEST

You will recall pleasant information more accurately and more quickly, which is sometimes called the ‘Pollyanna Principle.’’ Whether you are trying to remember what you have perceived, what someone has said, a decision you have made, or other types of information, if it is more pleasant to remember, you will remember better.
While psychologists have tested this principle in the laboratory, such as by asking subjects to remember words that are pleasant, neutral, or unpleasant, or asking them to remember colors, fruits, vegetables, or other items that are more or less pleasant, the principle makes sense in everyday life. For example, would you not rather recall something you enjoy that gives you good feelings than something you do not like and makes you feel bad? In fact, there is a whole body of research that indicates that people will repress or suppress memories of experiences that are unpleasant, such as memories of early childhood abuse.
 You will more accurately recall neutral information associated with pleasant information or a pleasant context, or as psychologists have come to this conclusion by making comparisons in the lab, such as whether subjects better remember commercials or the brands featured in them when they see them before or after violent and nonviolent films. Repeatedly, psychologists have found significantly better recall when nonviolent, and presumably more pleasant, films are shown.
The finding makes perfect sense and you can see examples of how this works in everyday life. For example, when you are experiencing or seeing something pleasant, you will feel more comfortable and relaxed, which will contribute to your remembering something you read, hear, or perceive in this relaxed state. By contrast, if you are experiencing something unpleasant, you will feel more stress and tension; the experience may even interfere with your ability to concentrate, such as by distracting your attention, so you encode and remember less.

Assessing Your Memory Skills
Test #1: The following test is designed for you to subjectively reflect on your memory abilities now. Make an extra copy of this test, so you can answer it again after you have spent a month working on improving your memory. That way, you can monitor any improvement. The first time you take the test, answer each question as honestly as you can and total up your score. This will help you notice the areas where you especially need to work on memory improvement, such as learning to pay better attention, increasing your ability to encode information, and improving your ability to retrieve names, faces, places, and dates. Rate your memory on a scale of 1 (you forget most or all of the time) to 5 (you typically remember very well), and then obtain an average for each category (total up the ratings in that category and divide by the number in that category).

My Overall Memory_______
My Memory for Everyday People, Places, and Things (average of my scores for the categories below)
People’s names
People’s faces
Where I put things (e.g., keys, eyeglasses)
Performing household chores
Directions to places
Personal dates (i.e., birthdays, anniversaries)
My Memory for Numbers
(average of my scores for the categories below)
Phone numbers I have just looked up
Phone numbers I use frequently
Bank account numbers
Computer passwords
Combinations for locks and safes
My Memory for Information
(average of my scores for the categories below)
Words
What someone has told me in a conversation
What I have learned in a classroom lecture
Reading a novel
Reading a nonfiction book
Reading an article
Reading the newspaper
My Memory for Activities
(average of my scores for the categories below)
Appointments
Performing household chores
Shopping for items at a store
Speaking in public
A meeting at work
My Memory for Events
(average of my scores for the categories below)
Earlier today
Yesterday
Last week
Last month
6 months to a year ago
1–5 years ago
6–10 years ago
When I was a child

After you finish rating each particular item, find the average for remembering that type of information. Then, look at your ratings to assess how well you are doing in different areas. Commonly, you will find you remember best those things that are most important to you, since you naturally pay more attention in those areas.
Where are you especially weak? Those are areas ripe for improvement. Use this test as a guide to help you determine where you especially want to increase your memory. Later, after you have worked on developing your memory over the next month (or however long you take to do this), retest yourself without looking at how you rated yourself before. Afterwards, compare your before-and-after ratings.
Generally, you will find you improve, though your subjective ratings can be affected by other factors, such as how you are feeling when you take the test. In any case, your second set of scores can help you decide what you want to work on next if you want to continue to improve your memory. In fact, if you are into charts and graphs, you can plot your ratings every month to chart your continued progress.

Stress Management - How to Reduce, Prevent, and Cope with Stress 2 (The A`s)

Stress management strategy #1: Avoid unnecessary stress

Not all stress can be avoided, and it’s not healthy to avoid a situation that needs to be addressed. You may be surprised, however, by the number of stressors in your life that you can eliminate.

Learn how to say “no” – Know your limits and stick to them. Whether in your personal or professional life, refuse to accept added responsibilities when you’re close to reaching them. Taking on more than you can handle is a sure-fire recipe for stress.

Avoid people who stress you out – If someone consistently causes stress in your life and you can’t turn the relationship around, limit the amount of time you spend with that person or end the relationship entirely.

Take control of your environment – If the evening news makes you anxious, turn the TV off. If traffic’s got you tense, take a longer but less-travelled route. If going to the market is an unpleasant chore, do your grocery shopping online.

Avoid hot-button topics – If you get upset over religion or politics, cross them off your conversation list. If you repeatedly argue about the same subject with the same people, stop bringing it up or excuse yourself when it’s the topic of discussion.

Pare down your to-do list – Analyse your schedule, responsibilities, and daily tasks. If you have got too much on your plate, distinguish between the “shoulds” and the “musts.” Drop tasks that aren’t truly necessary to the bottom of the list or eliminate them entirely.

Stress management strategy #2: Alter the situation

If you cannot avoid a stressful situation, try to alter it. Figure out what you can do to change things so the problem does not present itself in the future. Often, this involves changing the way you communicate and operate in your daily life.

Express your feelings instead of bottling them up. If something or someone is bothering you, communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way. If you do not voice your feelings, resentment will build and the situation will likely remain the same.

Be willing to compromise. When you ask someone to change their behaviour, be willing to do the same. If you both are willing to bend at least a little, you will have a good chance of finding a happy middle ground.

Be more assertive. Do not take a back-seat in your own life. Deal with problems head on, doing your best to anticipate and prevent them.

Manage your time better. Poor time management can cause a lot of stress. When you are stretched too thin and running behind, it is hard to stay calm and focused. However, if you plan and make sure you do not overextend yourself, you can alter the amount of stress you are under.

Stress management strategy #3: Adapt to the stressor

If you cannot change the stressor, change yourself. You can adapt to stressful situations and regain your sense of control by changing your expectations and attitude.

Reframe problems. Try to view stressful situations from a more positive perspective. Rather than fuming about a traffic jam, look at it as an opportunity to pause and regroup, listen to your favorite radio station, or enjoy some alone time.

Look at the big picture. Take perspective of the stressful situation. Ask yourself how important it will be in the long run. Will it matter in a month? A year? Is it really worth getting upset over? If the answer is no, focus your time and energy elsewhere.

Adjust your standards. Perfectionism is a major source of avoidable stress. Stop setting yourself up for failure by demanding perfection. Set reasonable standards for yourself and others, and learn to be okay with “good enough.”

Focus on the positive. When stress is getting you down, take a moment to reflect on all the things you appreciate in your life, including your own positive qualities and gifts. This simple strategy can help you keep things in perspective.

Adjusting Your Attitude

How you think can have a profound effect on your emotional and physical well-being. Each time you think a negative thought about yourself, your body reacts as if it were in the throes of a tension-filled situation. If you see good things about yourself, you are more likely to feel good; the reverse is also true. Eliminate words such as "always," "never," "should," and "must." These are tell-tale marks of self-defeating thoughts.

Stress management strategy #4: Accept the things you can’t change

Some sources of stress are unavoidable. You cannot prevent or change stressors such as the death of a loved one, a serious illness, or a national recession. In such cases, the best way to cope with stress is to accept things as they are. Acceptance may be difficult, but in the long run, it’s easier than railing against a situation you can’t change.

Do not try to control the uncontrollable. Many things in life are beyond our control— particularly the behaviour of other people. Rather than stressing out over them, focus on the things you can control such as the way you choose to react to problems.

Look for the upside. As the saying goes, “What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.” When facing major challenges, try to look at them as opportunities for personal growth. If your own poor choices contributed to a stressful situation, reflect on them and learn from your mistakes.

Share your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend or make an appointment with a therapist. Expressing what you’re going through can be very cathartic, even if there’s nothing you can do to alter the stressful situation.

Learn to forgive. Accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world and that people make mistakes. Let go of anger and resentments. Free yourself from negative energy by forgiving and moving on.

Stress management strategy #5: Make time for fun and relaxation

Beyond a take-charge approach and a positive attitude, you can reduce stress in your life by nurturing yourself. If you regularly make time for fun and relaxation, you will be in a better place to handle life’s stressors when they inevitably come.

Go for a walk.

Spend time in nature.

Call a good friend.

Sweat out tension with a good workout.

Write in your journal.

Take a long bath.

Light scented candles.

Savour a warm cup of coffee or tea.

Play with a pet.

Work in your garden.

Get a massage.

Curl up with a good book.

Listen to music.

Watch a comedy.

Do not get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that you forget to take care of your own needs. Nurturing yourself is a necessity, not a luxury.

Set aside relaxation time. Include rest and relaxation in your daily schedule. Do not allow other obligations to encroach. This is your time to take a break from all responsibilities and recharge your batteries.

Connect with others. Spend time with positive people who enhance your life. A strong support system will buffer you from the negative effects of stress.

Do something you enjoy every day. Make time for leisure activities that bring you joy, whether it be stargazing, playing the piano, or working on your bike.

Keep your sense of humour. This includes the ability to laugh at yourself. The act of laughing helps your body fight stress in a number of ways.

Stress management strategy #6: Adopt a healthy lifestyle

You can increase your resistance to stress by strengthening your physical health.

Exercise regularly. Physical activity plays a key role in reducing and preventing the effects of stress. Make time for at least 30 minutes of exercise, three times per week. Nothing beats aerobic exercise for releasing pent-up stress and tension.

Eat a healthy diet. Well-nourished bodies are better prepared to cope with stress, so be mindful of what you eat. Start your day right with breakfast, and keep your energy up and your mind clear with balanced, nutritious meals throughout the day.

Reduce caffeine and sugar. The temporary "highs" caffeine and sugar provide often end in with a crash in mood and energy. By reducing the amount of coffee, soft drinks, chocolate, and sugar snacks in your diet, you will feel more relaxed and you will sleep better.

Avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs may provide an easy escape from stress, but the relief is only temporary. Do not avoid or mask the issue at hand; deal with problems head on and with a clear mind.

Get enough sleep. Adequate sleep fuels your mind, as well as your body. Feeling tired will increase your stress because it may cause you to think irrationally.

Stress Management - How to Reduce, Prevent, and Cope with Stress

Stress produces numerous symptoms, which vary according to persons, situations, and severity. These can include physical health decline as well as depression. The process of stress management is known as one of the keys to a happy and successful life in modern society. Although life provides numerous demands that can prove difficult to handle, stress management provides a number of ways to manage anxiety and maintain overall well-being.

Stress Management

It may seem that there is nothing you can do about stress. The bills won’t stop coming, there will never be more hours in the day, and your career and family responsibilities will always be demanding. But you have more control than you might think. In fact, the simple realization that you are in control of your life is the foundation of stress management. Managing stress is all about taking charge: of your thoughts, emotions, schedule, and the way you deal with problems

• Identify sources of stress
• Look at how you cope with stress
• Avoid unnecessary stress
• Alter the situation
• Adapt to the stressor
• Accept the things you can’t change
• Make time for fun and relaxation
• Adopt a healthy lifestyle
• Identify the sources of stress in your life
• Learn about hidden sources of stress

Stress management starts with identifying the sources of stress in your life. This is not as easy as it sounds. Your true sources of stress are not always obvious, and it is all too easy to overlook your own stress-inducing thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Sure, you may know that you are constantly worried about work deadlines.

Start a Stress Journal

A stress journal can help you identify the regular stressors in your life and the way you deal with them. Each time you feel stressed; keep track of it in your journal. As you keep a daily log, you will begin to see patterns and common themes. Write down:

• What caused your stress (make a guess if you’re unsure)
• How you felt, both physically and emotionally
• How you acted in response
• What you did to make yourself feel better
• Look at how you currently cope with stress

Think about the ways you currently manage and cope with stress in your life. Your stress journal can help you identify them. Are your coping strategies healthy or unhealthy, helpful or unproductive? Unfortunately, many people cope with stress in ways that compound the problem.

Unhealthy ways of coping with stress

These coping strategies may temporarily reduce stress, but they cause more damage in the long run:

1. Smoking
2. Substance or Alcohol Dependency
3. Overeating or under eating (Binge eating)
4. Zoning out for hours in front of the TV or computer
5. Withdrawing from friends, family, and activities
6. Using pills or drugs to relax
7. Sleeping too much
8. Procrastinating
9. Filling up every minute of the day to avoid facing problems
10. Taking out your stress on others (lashing out, angry outbursts, physical violence)

Learning healthier ways to manage stress

If your methods of coping with stress are not contributing to your greater emotional and physical health, it’s time to find healthier ones. There are many healthy ways to manage and cope with stress, but they all require change. You can either change the situation or change your reaction. When deciding which option to choose, it is helpful to think of the four As: avoid, alter, adapt, or accept.

Since everyone has a unique response to stress, there is no “one size fits all” solution to managing it. No single method works for everyone or in every situation, so experiment with different techniques and strategies. Focus on what makes you feel calm and in control.

Dealing with Stressful Situations: The Four A’s

Change the situation:

• Avoid the stressor
• Alter the stressor

Change your reaction:

• Adapt to the stressor
• Accept the stressor

More on each A`s coming up in next installment.