New Year’s Game to bring in the New Year!!!!!!!!!!

New Year's Eve - a time for closure as well as dreaming.

For the last few years, just before the clock strikes 12:00 pm, I play an easy but rewarding little game that I’ve come to call, the New Year’s Game (I like names that say what they are). It’s the perfect way to wrap up the past year and bring in the new.
You can play with your partner, a friend, your immediate family, or even at a party (if people work in small groups). The New Year’s Game is an intimate and fun experience for all who play!

 What is the New Year’s Game?
Well, it involves reflection of the past year as well as prediction for the future. BUT with no strings or project plans attached to it!
I mean, what’s more fun than reviewing what makes you great and at the same time dreaming up what you’re going to achieve next!

 Here’s How You Play…
Buy yourself a little notebook (you’ll have this book for years to come and each year you’ll fill in 2-4 pages, so make sure it’s pretty and durable)
Just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, you and your partner/family/friend chat about and write down all the important things that you achieved in the year. Be sure to list something from each area of your life.
After midnight, once the New Year has rolled in, dream up and write down all the important things you’d like to achieve in the New Year.
That’s it. Keep the book in a safe place till next year when you can open it again and see how you did. If you do this every year, pretty soon you’ll have an awesome souvenir from your life.

Get Your Dreams Out in the Open.
The point of the game is not to win or even to lose to everything on the list. The point is the discussion, to have fun and to dream big. The act of having closure with the past and putting your new dreams out there is a huge step.

The universe is listening.

The last post for this year and Career Oracle wishes its readers a very happy and prosperous new year!!!!!! Let us all learn to be a a little more empathetic to each other in 2014! Discrimination: Coping With Discrimination

Purpose of activity: To understand what it feels like to be left out from a group.

To be aware of people or groups who are left out in society.

Lifeskills: Critical thinking & Empathy.

Materials: Sets of stickers in three colours – or bits of coloured paper and pins. There should be enough of each colour for one third of the children in the group.

Steps:

1.            Tell the children that in this game, they will greet everyone differently according to the colour of the sticker placed on their shirt at the back (or a sticker on their forehead!).

2.            Each child has one of three colour stickers placed on the back of their shirt (or forehead). They don’t know which colour they have. They must not tell each other what colour they have pr it will spoil the game!

3.            Tell the children that they can move around the room and greet each other in the following way:

Green sticker - greet this person as if they are very important to you and who you haven't seen for a long time. You are VERY happy to see them and greet them warmly.

Yellow sticker - greet this person as if they are someone you pass everyday. You greet them but it is not a big greeting.

Red sticker - this is someone you do not want to see or greet. Try to avoid them but if you must greet them, do so coldly and try to get away quickly.

4.            Children move around the room and make their greetings for 5-10 mins.

5.            Now the children can look at their sticker and form groups according to their colour. The groups discuss what happened in the activity and what it felt like.

6.            Mix the groups so that there are some of each colour in each group. These groups discuss:

What did it feel like to have the red, yellow or green stickers?

Are there any people in society whom society does not like or leave out? (For example, people whose skin is a different colour, people who have a disability, people who have HIV, women, people who are homosexual, people of a different religion)?  Why?

How do you think those people feel when they are left out? How can we help make those people feel more included?

7.            Each group presents their key points.

How to Develop Leadership Skills Within You!

The leader inside you often needs some encouragement and support from your side to show-up itself. Many people take-up personality development or similar such courses and try to enhance the leadership skills within.

Let us take on certain issues and fathom how a leader should tackle them:

1. Handling Disagreements - Never show your aggression when there is a conflict, either between two subordinates or between you and others. Just remember it is a simple difference of opinions. It can always be solved if tackled discreetly. And that is exactly what a leader does, he never loses his temper rather helps other stay in control.

2. Helping Others Achieve - It’s not solely your accomplishments that count. As a leader you have a whole team to progress along with. Therefore you have to encourage each teammate and even support them in working on their problems. When you hit the road for the first time on your cycle, there were vehicles overtaking from one side and approaching from the together. What did you do then? In fact you encouraged and assured yourself, that you have the ability to do it. The same formula has to be applied every time, but for your colleagues now.

3. Problem Solving Attitude - Are you able to provide solutions or do you end up getting tensed and panicking, when confronted with issues? Well! It is not entirely in your hands to prevent going into hysteria. Many of us do, but your talent lies in overcoming that stage as soon as you can and support others in finding the key to get out of the trouble.

4. Be A Proficient Communicator - This is indeed the most crucial role that a leader has to play. Let’s take one more situation from the above instances: When you go to a store to buy something, are you able to explain clearly and specifically what your requirements are, to the keeper? If you have to clarify things to him again, then you certainly need to work on your communication skills. Similarly, your words should not be misinterpreted nor should you sound authoritative. Be diplomatic and suave, it is the best strategy but put your foot down whenever the need arises.

As a leader earning respect is important but that should come because of your talent and influence, not with command and domination.

Behaviour which Hurts, Helping to Resolve a Conflict

This is a single activity session plan.

Purpose of activity: To explore how to help as a go-between in a conflict.

Life skills: problem-solving, creative thinking, empathy

Steps:

1.            Remind the participants of the discussions they have had in Activities 43 and 44. Explain that sometimes it is hard to sort out conflict or arguments, for example when:

 All people in the argument think they are right and will not back down

If one side is not telling the truth, if one or other or both are VERY angry

When this is the case, someone may be needed to act as a go-between: this is someone who negotiates between people in an argument.

2.            Ask participants to give examples of when this has happened. Discuss who helped and how - teachers? Friends? Relatives? Colleagues?

3.            Divide participants into groups of three or four and ask them to do a role-play either around a situation known to them or give them an example. In this role-play, the problem is not resolved so another person is called in to help. The groups have to decide who this person is.

4.            Participants perform the role-plays and after each, the whole group comments on how this extra person helped solve the argument (for example by calming everyone down, by suggesting a compromise or an alternative that no-one had thought of.)

Final discussion: How can a go-between help sort out an argument. Is it good to be a go-between? Why / why not?  Have you ever been a go-between?

Behaviour that Hurts, What Happens to Us When We Get Angry? Avtivity!!!!!! Happy Diwali!!!!!

Purpose of activity: To become aware of our physical reactions when we get angry and how anger might be controlled.

Life skills: problem-solving, creative thinking

Steps

1.            In pairs, ask the children select one idea from the list they made: What makes me get angry? In pairs, children act out one of these situations.

2.            In the whole group, ask the children to say what happens to their bodies when they get angry (these responses are different for everybody and in different situations). Some of them can be:

shouting

head pulses

stomach aches

clenching the fists

frown

face turns red

crying

feeling scared

3.            In the whole group ask children to say what people might do when they angry: hit someone-     throw something-                shout sounds-   shout insults (which they may later regret)

4.            In pairs, the children make two short role-plays from one of the situations identified in the Activity. In the first role-play, shows how things quickly go from bad to worse when someone gets angry. The second shows how the person controlled their anger.

For example by:

walking away

reasoning

ignoring

getting someone else to help

5.            The pairs perform their plays. After each, the whole group can comment on how the anger was controlled.

Final discussion: In an argument, is one person always more to blame than the other? Can you do something about your anger in the same way each time? 

Third and Final Installment on Conflict Management!!!!!!!!

The Conflict-Triangle

Developing our understanding of conflict further from the “Iceberg-Model”, one can draw a triangle, where all aspects playing a role in a conflict fit in: Behaviour statements, offences, insults, attacks, etc. visible I n v i s i b l e

                                                                Behaviour - statements, offences, insults, attacks, etc.

         

Attitude - prejudices, believes, perceptions, feelings                                        Context - political, cultural, economical, historical background

               

This ABC (Attitude-Behaviour-Context) – Conflict Triangle was first developed by Prof. Johan Galtung and provides an excellent basic concept for the analysis of even very complex conflict situations:

A First, there are the Attitudes (A) of the conflicting parties, which tend to become more defensive or even hostile as the conflict escalates. In order to finally reach settlement of the conflict, the parties must first become aware of their attitudes and perceptions towards each other.

B Attitude in conflict situations not only influences one’s own Behaviour (B), but is very much affected by the Behaviour of others. Insults or provocations make it more difficult to see the mutual benefit of ending a conflict. Therefore it is essential to find ways of tackling the negative behaviour in order to defuse the situation.

C Finally, we need to consider the Context (C) within which the conflict is being waged. Context is the ‘objective’ reality to which the conflict relates and the environment in which it takes place. If we ignore the influence of the context, all changes in attitudes and behaviour will be in vain. Various factors in the context can either fuel or block a positive and transformative development of a conflict.

Introduction to Mediation

Three Basic Principles:

1) Conflicting parties are the ones to solve their own conflicts! Mediator helps through the process!

2) Conflicting parties attack problem not persons! Mediator guides to respectful behaviour!

3) Conflicting parties decide on contents and agreement! Mediator provides constructive framework and continuous support!

Mediation – Four Phases

Introduction Phase: In the welcoming and during the introduction, the parties are introduced to one another and the mediation process is explained. Here the mediators create a friendly and constructive atmosphere. They attune to the parties, clarify ground rules and general regulations, and allow for questions.

CHARACTERISTICS	POSSIBLE QUESTIONS
Phase I: Defining the conflict
Identify those directly and those indirectly involved. Identify context, e.g. social	What happened? What did you experience? Where do you see the problems? What is the context of the conflict?
Phase II: Background, Barriers, Emotions
Description of difficulties Expression of feelings	How do you feel? Which negative experiences did you have? What did the conflict do to you? Which feelings came up? Did you have positive experiences?
Phase III: Create Options / Best possible outcome?
Encourage visions and dreams Generate wishes and options Envision a positive future	What is going to happen now? What do you wish for now? What would be the most suitable solution? What kind of relationship do you envisage for the future?
Phase IV: Agreement Stage
Work on priorities Develop course of action Envision a positive future	What can you do in reality? What do you expect from the other? What can you put into practice? (realistic) What are you both prepared to do? How will you do it and who will do what?
Final Phase: Follow-up & Implementation
Days, weeks or months later…	How did it work out? What was good? What improvements are still necessary?

Some Ground Rules for a Mediation Process:

1.       No offences or insults

2.       Clarify Issue of Confidentiality

3.       Parties agree to respect each other

4.       Treat each others’ emotions with respect

5.       Try to listen (even) without (inner) judgment

6.       No interruptions when the other party is speaking

7.       Parties speak only for themselves, if possible using I-messages.

8.       Everybody takes full responsibility of his/her own words & actions!

Ethics for Mediators:

o Respect for individuals and their biography. Consider their own speed of learning and that their individual learning steps will be different from yours. Acknowledge and deal with parties’ different cultures, religions, genders, traditions, values, education etc.

o Consciousness of own role in intervention into conflict. What gives me the right or obligation to mediate? Is it an institutional, moral, family, hierarchical, professional, competence etc. position? Did the parties or someone else choose you as mediator?

Checklist:

Before you bring the parties together, have preparatory meetings with the individual parties, where you:

• Explain mediation process

• Explain possible benefits of mediation

• Explore initial unrealistic positions/expectations and sensitive issues

Set date & time for the mediation meeting, and invite conflicting parties, according to the correct legal procedures!

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing is a very important tool you can use, especially as a mediator. It means to restate what another person has said, in your own words, with emphasis on what is said ‘between the lines’, This way you can show the other party that you connect, or understand the other person’s feelings.

Paraphrasing is a powerful tool:

1.       For showing that you understand the other person or party

2.       For moving the conversation to deeper levels: Paraphrasing often brings more reflective responses from the other party.

3.       For slowing down the conversation between parties if needed

4.       For speeding up the process if needed, by making long and complicated sentences comprehensible for yourself and others.

5.       It can defuse defensive or insulting statements while retaining the facts.

How to paraphrase:

1.       Focus on the speaker: “You felt…” , “You’re saying…”, “You believe…” NOT: “I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been in situations like that myself.”

2.       A paraphrase can have three components:

a)         Restate fact: “Your wife locked you out of the house.”

b)         Reflect feelings: “(And) you feel discouraged about things getting any better.”

c)          Reflect intention: “(But) you really like to sort things out with her.”

3.       A paraphrase focuses on what was really said and contains no judgement or evaluation, but describes empathically.  “So you believe very strongly that…”, “You were very unhappy when…”, “You felt quite angry with your neighbour in that situation…”, “The way you see it…”, “If I’m understanding you correctly, you…”, NOT: “What you are trying to say, is…”

There are two critical qualities of an emotion or feeling:

o What feeling is it ?

o How intense is this feeling ?

4.       Act like a mirror not a parrot! Paraphrase reflects the meaning of the speaker’s words but does not merely parrot the speaker, e.g.:

Speaker: “I resent it deeply when I found out they had gone behind my back to the boss. Why can’t they come and talk with me, and give me a chance to sort things out with them?”

Paraphrase: “You were quite hurt that they didn’t come directly to you to resolve things.”

NOT: “You resented it deeply that they went behind your back to the boss. You wish they had given you a chance to sort things out with them.”

5.       A paraphrase should always be shorter than the speaker’s own statement!

Conflict Management and Dealing with Emotions.

Escalation of Conflict – Nine Stages

We, as human-beings have a special relationship to the law of gravity. When something seems difficult we feel heavy and it literally pulls us to the ground. The uninterrupted escalation of a conflict can pull us down as into quicksand, and if there is no turning point, we will end up in the abyss. At every stage, the dynamic of a conflict can escalate further when there is no conscious caucusing or moment of awareness and reflection.

Once you recognize the characteristics of the different stages of a conflict, you are able to act: You can either prevent the conflict from escalating even further or you can consciously let the conflict escalate further. Sometimes the latter is useful to make a conflict more visible to stakeholders and the social environment.

Once you have identified the stage a conflict is in, you can use this opportunity to find constructive solutions on your own, or you see that it is necessary to ask an outsider for assistance in finding a solution. Sometimes problems are just too big to be dealt with alone.

Always ask yourself: “Do I have a problem or does the problem have me?”

The Nine Stages of Conflict Escalation were developed in the 1980s by Austrian Professor Friedrich Glasl and in detail described in his book: “Conflict Management - A Handbook for Executives and counselors”, Germany, 2002.

Conflict Intervention Strategies

1)      Negotiation: Parties meet (usually without the help of 3rd party) to resolve differences.

2)      Facilitation: Neutral or professional 3rd party helps to improve communication between parties, usually in a meeting.

3)    Conciliation: 3rd party acts as “go-between” for parties to meet and resolve differences or disputes.

4)      Mediation: Neutral 3rd party helps parties to resolve differences themselves, improving relationship between parties.

5)    Arbitration: Neutral 3rd party hears both points of view and then imposes a decision.

6)      Adjudication / Litigation: Judge/magistrate imposes decision after hearing legal argument from both sides according to complex legal procedures.

7)      Force: Power or violence is used in a dominant manner to impose a decision or to force a ‘solution’.

Dealing with Emotions & Anger

In every conflict between human beings, our emotions play a critic role, either consciously or unconsciously. Especially anger can be very disturbing, as it can hinder us to enter dialogue and eventually resolve the conflict that we are having. Any conflict can be compared to an iceberg…….nearly 90% lies invisibly under the surface.

In most cases it is our behaviour and our statements and positions that are visible to all the others.

Invisible aspects of a conflict are the parties’ individual or collective backgrounds, attitudes, expectations, dreams, wishes, hurts, fears, needs, feelings, emotions, hidden plans and strategies.

The following texts may help to understand and deal with emotions constructively:

Emotions should not be judged or repressed!

Emotions are a vital part of you as a human being, and they need to be respected, accepted and expressed. You can look upon your emotions as your children, who need your attention and respect, and your guidance.

Emotions are your children!

The parallels between ‘being emotional’ and ‘being as a child’ are striking, as there is an impressive resemblance between the way you deal with your own emotions and the way you deal with (real) children. A child is honest and spontaneous in his emotions, and he does not hide or repress them until adults encourage him to do so. The fact that children spontaneously express their emotions does, however, not mean that the child experiences his emotions in a balanced way. Everyone knows that a child can be carried away by his emotions (rage, fear or sadness) and is often unable to put a stop to it. In such a situation, the child can almost drown in his emotions and that makes him unbalanced, i.e. out-of-centre. An emotion can best be viewed as an energy that comes to you for healing. Therefore, it is important to not be completely swept away by the emotion, but to remain able to look at it from a neutral stance. It is important to stay conscious.

One might put it like this:

You should not repress an emotion, but you should not drown in it either. For when you drown in it, when you identify with it completely, the child in you becomes a tyrant that will lead you astray!

The most important thing you can do with an emotion is to allow it in, to feel all aspects of it, while not losing your consciousness. Take for instance anger. You can invite anger to be fully present, experiencing it in your body at several places, while you are at the same time neutrally observing it. Such a type of conscious behaviour is healing. What happens in this instance is that you embrace the emotion, which is essentially a form of misunderstanding, with understanding.

Dealing with Emotions - Example:

Your daughter has bumped her knee on the table and it really hurts. She is upset, screaming with pain, and she kicks the table for she is angry with it. She considers the table to be the source of her pain.

Emotional guidance at this moment means that the parent first helps the child name her experience. “You are angry, aren’t you – you are in pain, right?” Naming it is essential. You transfer the root of the problem from the table to the child herself. It’s not in the table, it is you who are hurt, and it is you who is angry. And yes, I understand your emotion!

The parent embraces the emotion of the child with understanding, with love. The moment the child feels understood and recognized, her anger will gradually fade away. The physical pain may still be present. But her resistance to the pain, the anger around it, can dissolve. The child reads compassion and understanding in your eyes, and this relaxes and soothes her emotions. The table, the cause of the emotions, is not relevant anymore.

In embracing an emotion with understanding and compassion, you shift the focus of the child’s attention from outside to inside, and you teach the child to take responsibility for the emotion. You are showing her that her reaction to an outside trigger is not a given, but that it is a matter of choice. You can choose misunderstanding or understanding. You can choose to fight or to accept. You can choose.

Again Happy Vijayadashmi and more coming up shortly.